CLEAN JOKES
An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday moring service. Most of the people were very generous telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, "That was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor."
A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, "I don't think you did much preparation for your message."
Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, "You really blew it. You didn't have a thing to say, pastor."
Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. "Oh, don't let that guy bother you," said the deacon. "He's a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying."
Big Ed seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation. The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Limburger cheese from a ziplock bag in her purse and passed it under his nose. Groggily startled, Big Ed blurted out, "No, Helen, no—don't kiss me now."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. He watched as his father jotted down some notes and occasionally crossed out whole sentences.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
DYING TO GET TO HEAVEN
SEPTIC SERMON
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
CAREER CHOICE
WHAT'S THE RANSOM?
I THOUGHT THEY TOOK THE TRAIN
WHY DO WE PRAY?
A man climbed into the back of a taxi cab and instructed the driver to take him downtown. Several minutes of silence went by. As the driver reached the heart of downtown, the man reached forward, touched the shoulder of the driver and said, "This is my stop". Immediately, the driver yelled out and careened into a lightpost. After the dust had settled, the man said to the driver, "What happened? Why did you panic?"
"This is my first day on the job", said the driver, still visibly shaken and pale as an igloo
"Okay that still doesn't explain why you lost it and drove off the road when I touched you"
"Well," explained the driver, "I've actually been driving for 15 years but until today I'd only driven a hearse"